The travel bug

Dear friend,

On the 31st of July, I will leave Paris, France and i have to say that i am left with dread. I am quite content with my life. Having a small suitcase, meeting new people, not worrying about anyone but myself, having my little space, learning a new language and enjoying the differences in sites and cultures. I have traveled great parts of the U.S., Canada and in part Europe and most of the times by myself, I have to say that, i don't mind spending some time away from my family and my love. Although i love them dearly, the travel bug is at full force and it doesn't help that i am not afraid to travel by myself. I miss this. I like the independence and the what ifs that everyday brings. What i like most is the sense of freedom from your everyday life responsibilities and struggles. However, work inevitably comes as well as responsibilities and the need to return to the routine is unavoidable. Although, i am still here in Paris, i have to admit, is very different from my last experience. Last time, i felt like i couldn't fit in and caught the interest of a guy that showed me the wonders of Paris. Now, i feel like i fit in, made new friends, met new people that have made this journey unique but i have realized that time changes everything and you can't expect to re-live the same memories as if time stopped. The two years away from here have changed me greatly and I have a different view of what I see. I understand things differently now and I just want to say that although traveling can be the most rewarding experience, it can also be the biggest melancholy that one can ever feel. To live with that feeling is the most difficult part because, even for a brief moment, you must part with a little piece of your heart. That is why traveling changes us but I wouldn't stop traveling because everytime i do, i always receive something even more and learn something more that i believe can only be learned at certain moments, in certain ways, with certain people in certain places. I want to keep traveling. I want to keep traveling.  Just please understand that I just want to keep traveling. Parting is a sweet sorrow in both directions but as the saying goes:"home is were the heart is". My heart will always want to travel but it knows that the end destination is always home.

The result of not following a desire

You didn't ask me to stay. When a persons words are:"have you though about staying?" "Do you want to stay?" "I wish you could stay longer" all are indications of a desire but no the action itself. Why is that? Are those words that you are anticipating, hoping, even craving for are so hard to be said? God knows that there are a lot of what ifs, but, maybe somehow, it could be, it wrong, its right, or I just don't know how to let go. To let go its to suffer a heart wound, to regret, to wonder, to doubt or to live the life you were meant to or the biggest mistake that you can't take back. Either way, that flicker of hope and desire will never leave, not truly. The mind wonders and questions many things that were and would've been. Instead, its best to enjoy what is and can become with what you have created. Those questions that you repeat to yourself, try to ignore them. Are they worth being answered? Perhaps. Are they ever gonna be answered? Probably.  They say the truth is always discovered and the world is a small place. Maybe that is true but eventually, you will learn that your decisions were based on not only the mind but the heart. If you can live with your decisions, all may be alright. However, that unsettling thought will linger til a satisfied answered is found.

Only once and never more

He is with you...he probably decides were your going out because he wants to surprise you with what he sees as the wonders of the world. He wants to see you happy and look at what inspires you, what makes you smile and what makes you loose yourself, while he wonders, how can you be sooo beautiful in his eyes? Your probably walking by his side unless something catches your eye and you can't help but tag along. If the sun is bright, it can make it all the better because it makes the roses more beautiful if your in a garden with him, which is something he loves to spend his time in. If you manage to immerse yourself in the arts (one of his passions), he will want to hold your hand and guide you through every nook and cranny of what he knows from it and what he can teach you. If you have a desire to know and he knows it, he will gladly show and teach you. Your important to him.  He probably knows it but wonders if you are the one. He will look deeply at you and his eyes will burn not only from passion but something close to love. He can't help but smile and feel proud of what he has obtained and accomplished. You are his priority and his responsibility.  He will protect you, he will make time for you, he would not want to let you go once your his. He can't help but want to hold you and feel you close to him and as the time passes, night walks in and it turns cold.  That won't stop him from wanting to keep spending time with you.  He will keep you close and will not want to let you go. He will want to make you laugh and will want to keep you speaking unless all he wants to do is look at you and admire you.  If he truly wants to here what you want to tell him, he will make sure to pay attention and have space and time to listen. Although, time for him is priceless. He will make sure to not miss a minute of it nor let a moment pass that is not worth savoring.  You are making him breathless and you are making him burn.  It's not until the last minute that he notices that he has to let you go for a while but his smile returns once he knows that you will still be there with him and who knows if its forever.

Savor those moments with him, while he questions if you two are meant to be and if these are the ways of the world. Every few minutes, smile at him for he cannot help but smile back and blush. He enjoys that your smiling for him, laughing because of him and deep within your stare, its obvious you like him, desire him and long for his kiss and touch.  You long to hold his hand and fall asleep in his embrace or loose yourself at the sound of his voice.  You can make sure that at the end of the day, that last kiss, that last look and that last embrace will stay with you forever because moments like those and people like him only come once in every lifetime.

Dearest friend

My dearest friend,

How has life been treating you? I have not heard from you in a while but I can understand why.  Life is an every day obstacle whether it be work, love, business, money, responsibilities, friends, family or just whatever comes your way. Everyday there is something, especially with who you are, life should be an adventure. I can imagine you have been busy with your work and your responsibilities but at the same time, enjoying what free time you have and meeting knew people so you can fulfill all that you have wished. I know I am not there and I have my own life but I still wish to know how is yours. I sincerely care about you and hold you close to my heart. I know you have continued on and are happy as I hope for you to be. I have changed my mind when it comes to my future plans. Have you? However, in them I hope to visit in the future and maintain our dearest friendship. If your mind and heart are somewhere else, I understand. So is mine. Nevertheless, please let me know how life is treating you, if I am wrong or stepping on a boundary that I shouldn't, please correct me for I do not wish to disrespect. Either way, I always wish you the best on your future endeavors and all the happiness in the world.

Yours truly,

 the puertorican girl

Questions without answers?

Is all in the details, is it not?

Is all in the little things or is it?

Is all in the looks, smiles, the waiting, the wanting, the needing, the expecting, the wondering, the denying, the inevitable, the choices or indecision?

Do we meet people by chance or are we meant to?

If we are meant to meet someone, when do we understand why or the significance of their lives as part of our own?

If their are thrust upon us by chance, how could it be avoided or understand that things are meant to be a way no matter how much you avoid them or wish they played in another certain way?

How do you start unmasking yourself in the world that was meant to be or should you unmask yourself to the uncertain ways of your life?

Can you really believe what you hear, see, feel or touch?  Is it all real or just a faint reality that was created for you because of the position you were put in or was it just mere coincidence that your there waiting for what you think might happen, will happen or is happening?

Is it all correlated into just what is and even if it is, taking all the time in the world is the smart thing to do or should you just take the moment and savoir it even if it might be right, wrong or just is?

Can your really say you don't care?

Can you really be happy every day, be truthful, hurt, feel hurt, question, gain in vain or take without hesitation?

Can you look without denying to yourself that you are an open book and the truth of your very soul is seen within your eyes?

Can you deny that every fiber of your being wants what it struggles to not have?

Can you believe life can have more than one path and more than one path can be lived at a time?

Can you stay focus and determined no matter if you have to choose between wanting, needing, believing, creating, working, and keeping?

Can you be unselfish, should you be unselfish and at what cost?

Are you willing to make an ultimate sacrifice? Is someone willing to make one for you? If yes, what then?

Do you wish to be cold or become warm?

Will you restrain your thoughts and feelings? If the moment presented itself, would you? If you should, can you or do you want to? Should you want, is that what your thinking?

Are you picking up the pieces or trying to maintain yourself in one piece? If you are, who is to say you were broken from the start? Can you admit you were? and if you were, is the baggage bearing and a thin portrait for all to see?

Are you questioning now, then, later or never?

Guess I will keep questioning and hoping for an answer that I might already have but the reality of all is that more than one way can these questions be answered or kept unanswered at the same time.

The answer

Hey you! Yes you looking around seeming as if your looking for something that you have yet to find or have you? Let me ask you, what is the one thing that you want the most out of your life? Saying being with your family, getting your degree (if you are) and having your dream job (which Idk what that is either) does not count.  Remember, that thing you want the most has to be the reason you get out of bed every morning (other than to go to work if you do), the reason if your exhausted or thinking your day couldn't get any worse is what brings a smile to your face as you lay in bed. That one thing that you think others have achieved and you already have it or are that close to attain it.  That one thing that makes your life worth living. That little but most significant thing to keep you in one piece and celebrate that is another day your living( if you care for that). The thing that when you are so exhausted of so much crap, your body doesn't want to keep up and rest is almost none existent, you notice that is worth it because as long as you have or get to keep that only and simple necessary thing in your life that makes you happy and makes you want to push and try harder. What is that? Is it accomplishment, personal gain, revenge, love, simplicity, your own little space, your own place, making a difference in the world??? Idk about you but I've been pondering the question and I think I finally know the answer...

La lune est trés belle

Some people prefer to sit and watch as the sunsets. Others enjoy more the sunrise. I imagine sitting on a beach, feeling the cool salty breeze and enjoying how the rays of the sun bring light to a new day. How a new beginning emerging brings a new sense of hope.  How the colors intertwined between the blue of the ocean, the blue of the sky, and the orange of the sun. I myself prefer totally the opposite. I tend to sit down between the starry and dark sky were all is quite and still. I prefer watching the full moon shine with all is might against the vast darkness that overpowers the night.  I sit and watch and remember what beckons my heart, what turmoils my soul and keeps my mind occupied til I start to cry.  I have no answer even if my plea is great.  Even if the tears don't stop and my eyes are red. I close them and more tears run down my cheeks as if they were dying to escape.  I hold my hands together so I don't start to shake. I keep them tight to my chest to make sure my heart does not break. I shiver even though it is not cold. There is nothing nor no one to hear the cries that I swallow and are kept in my throat.  I sit and wait, wait and wait some more. I plea, I cry and I just want to scream til I can't no more.  Is a longing, a necessity, a need forevermore.  The reality of not having a reply plagues me. The truth of not knowing haunts me. The lack of hearing a familiar voice hurts me.  Lying in wait burns me within daily.  I can't control it. I look up at the sky as I dry my tears but they come again. I see the moon shine and look at the stars as if they were a resemblance of each tear I've shed.  The moon is quite and still and so am I.  She shines in the darkness as do I.  No one ever knows of her suffering and secrets because la lune est trés belle as am I.