In a foul mood!

What a lousy and crappy day it has been. I have the
"mono trepado" as we say over here, I'm tired, got lots of studying to do, have money problems, I need to fix my car, my mother pissed me off, I need to keep up with my classes, I'm getting a slaved pay at work and all this 4 what? Cause I want a better future. I WILL NOT live my life worrying constantly about money. Women age quicker than men just because we get overly stressed and stressed is just part of my damn DNA. Why can it just go and screw itsel over, go 4ever on vaca and just leave me in piece. Why can't the angel of death kill it??? Kill worries, stress, frustration, anger, bitterness and 4 all those that like jealousy, insecurities, temperament...shooooo away too! I can't stand this and even if I want to take a nice darn hot shower..I CAN'T!!! The damn shower os not working probably bc the lower part throws more water than the upper part. I'm better of going swimming or showering in a jacussi if I had one! Aghhhh!!!!! Can a girl get some piece of mind cause I don't have money to go to the chiropracter to feel better and I hope that the three pills my insurance did pay is enough to get me to 100% cause stupid MCS didn't want to pay for all 5 pills bc they say that three is enough bc that is whats normally asked for. WTH???? I can't rely economically on my parents nor emotionally cause they are broken and the one that has to handle the shit is me. like always! I detest my mother breathing down my back saying I have a nasty attitude but where do I get it from... Hellloooo HER!!!! What a lousy day and I still have class and homework!

Torture

I just can't can't shut my eyes and rest. Sure, if I am very sleepy and tired, I might sleep 4 or 5 hrs but at 3am, my eyes open. I twist and turn. I tose and turn and no matter how much I try to denied it, I'm just thinking why? I've learned that why shouldn't be something to question cause you will hardly get an answer. Is better to ask how or when or better yet, how come? I have my way of handling things and my standarts. I like to do things with a certain flow to be able to balance everything in my life that I must say it's not easy. As I am lying restless in my bed,I ask myself:"how do I get tangled up, rung up and disturbed"? When u start following a routine and then that routine gets up on the wrong side of the bed or takes a bad turn...your just left wondering. I haven't felt so utterly clueless in my life. I just can't make sense of it. I want to know why your not there answering? Why you've changed? But, who am I fooling. I twist, toss and turn cause I know the answer...your disappointed in me. Are you really disappointed in me or your just reminded of the pain a low life human being cast upon you with such horrible mistakes because she didn't value you. Here is a tip:"I value you". You promised I didn't have to worry about her past mistakes being cast upon me cause you weren't going to press them on me...you don't remember telling me that do you? Do you put yourself in my shoes when I try to explain to you how I feel. I don't feel that anymore because when I want to explain myself, you only see your point of view and my mistake cause of lack of communication. I want to talk but you tell me:"all in time" but if I get mad you want me to tell you right then and there. If your the one that's mad, depending on what it is, your comprehensive if not hurtful but I suck it up. You don't tell me if your mad, I have to make the first step. All because of one unintentional mistake, you've changed. Is not that you don't care but where are you? Are you gonna put me aside when you leave? How can I know that no matter what I can talk to you? How can I feel you are being tentative and you will express what is necessary to make things work? How badly am I sacrificing my heart when you can see how much you mean to me? Everyone sees it and it makes me angry I have open that door of such...torture? It's only torture when I don't get what's going on in your head and all I can get is mild receptiveness on your part. What a wall to break down on top of everything else we have going in our lives. Can't you see that my degree of pain can be leveled to yours? I did have it easy once and it all came tumbling down. We all become an ugly duckling in some time of our lives. We have to take major responsibilities and endure major headaches, heartaches, beatings, regrets and more. While the sun rises, the hours pass, I sit here wondering how you are? Will I hear from you? Do you care? Right now I know that time can be a powerful ally and a great torturer...

what lies beneath

Friend:"how's the dating world?"
Me:"Was introduced to someone new. I'm falling for him."
Friend:"It's still a bit soon. How do you know he is the one."
Me:"We are still getting to know each other."
Friend:"Let me ask you this: what do look for the one".
Me:"Hmmmm...well, I like to be with someone were I can be myself. I am a strong woman but there are moments were I just want Tender, Loving and Care and who I'm with can appreciate the difference between sucking it up and knowing is not time to suck it up! I'm not high maintenance so I want a guy that is willing to let me be independent and doesn't expect me to be a housemaid. A guy that is willing to share the work. I would be happy if he just holds me and doesn't grope cause their are moments and places for that. I like a guy that worries about me, is funny, secure, not arrogant, not overconfident, that we can spend time together but also with family and friends. I want him to be able to know what are priorities, that shares his worries, concerns, anger and is just willing to trust me. That doesn't let his very bad past relationships block or affect his ability to give me what I deserve. I want a guy that I can just call to let him know I am thinking of him, that I love him and that I only have eyes for him. I can't stand jealousy one bit and I don't forgive infidelity. I like him to be thoughtful, honest but not a sharp knife that you know will pierce you deeply from time to time and that's just how it is. The truth hurts and I don't have a problem with it but If you throw the truth to that person, will they listen? I want someone that is not a coward, that defends not only what he believes but also his friends and family. I want someone that listens and is patient. I want him to let me take my time to explain myself and can put himself in my shoes as I can his. Do I want a gentleman? As long as he treats me with respect and values my worth, I will be happy. I like a guy that makes me smile, laugh and when we kiss, I just don't want to stop. I guy that I can't wait to see. That's attentative and looks out for me if need me. A guy that no matter what, knows I am his and he is mine....
Friend:"So...is he the one then?"
Me:I stood frozen and held my breath. The sweat in my forehead was cold and my heart skipped a beat. I remembered then and now and the only answer I could give was:"I though so. Now, I'm not so sure".

Run

I'm frozen in place when my fears take the best of me. I am a person that no matter the circumstances or ordeals...I suck it up! I pick myself up no matter the degree of unberable pain, I always pick myself up and keep living my life. Lately, after experincing happiness with a new person, those doubts and fear I have been sucking up don't leave me be to have peace of mind, soul and especially, my heart. Sleep don't come easy and neither does concentration with all the goals I want to accomplish but when it comes to matters of the heart, I am very selfless. My world feels upside down and its hard to make sense of everything. How can you mesh the good times wih the hard times??? When things don't start making sense and are getting confusing, what is there to do??? There are moments were I feel like I'm holding my breath and everything just freezes. What do I wanna do? Disappear. I want to go far were no one knows me and all those that did, won't hear from me again. Run would be the best option when you feel you can keep yourself in one piece. Fragile, that should be a sign in my forehead but I am to prideful for that. I don't tend to talk about my feelings, my faults and feel vulnerable. What I do is be there and try to be what the other person wants. If someone knows what it is to live a double life, I do! Trying to please everybody else and you always end up loosing. What do you loose? If you catch me, maybe I will tell you!

Why so many snap shots???

Sometimes, I just want to look at all the pictures I have taken...to look at all the pictures I have in my possesion. Some are out of focus, some seem meaningless, others are colorful, happy, inspiring, creative, artistic, thouthful, funny, crazy, goofy, mysterious, tiresome, challenging, to dark, to light, to obscured, to full of people or stuff or just to empty, to quickly taken or not taught through, to improvised, to modelly, obvious, abstract, to many words or no words at all. To me, all of them are a memory. Why do I want to remeber every nook and crany, every line, every place,and every face? How come it's so important to me to click that button and capture such a moment? As a human being, I think back on the past. Whether the picture will make me laugh, cry tears of joy or tears of sadness, whether it makes me question an action or a dismissal, whether it pains my heart, makes me want to deny, accept or regret a decission, I will know what was important. I will remember how, when, who, and most importantly, why? It is best to forget as long as I get to remember the happy, funny, lovely, and unbelivable moments...it's worth capturing such shots.