La lune est trés belle

Some people prefer to sit and watch as the sunsets. Others enjoy more the sunrise. I imagine sitting on a beach, feeling the cool salty breeze and enjoying how the rays of the sun bring light to a new day. How a new beginning emerging brings a new sense of hope.  How the colors intertwined between the blue of the ocean, the blue of the sky, and the orange of the sun. I myself prefer totally the opposite. I tend to sit down between the starry and dark sky were all is quite and still. I prefer watching the full moon shine with all is might against the vast darkness that overpowers the night.  I sit and watch and remember what beckons my heart, what turmoils my soul and keeps my mind occupied til I start to cry.  I have no answer even if my plea is great.  Even if the tears don't stop and my eyes are red. I close them and more tears run down my cheeks as if they were dying to escape.  I hold my hands together so I don't start to shake. I keep them tight to my chest to make sure my heart does not break. I shiver even though it is not cold. There is nothing nor no one to hear the cries that I swallow and are kept in my throat.  I sit and wait, wait and wait some more. I plea, I cry and I just want to scream til I can't no more.  Is a longing, a necessity, a need forevermore.  The reality of not having a reply plagues me. The truth of not knowing haunts me. The lack of hearing a familiar voice hurts me.  Lying in wait burns me within daily.  I can't control it. I look up at the sky as I dry my tears but they come again. I see the moon shine and look at the stars as if they were a resemblance of each tear I've shed.  The moon is quite and still and so am I.  She shines in the darkness as do I.  No one ever knows of her suffering and secrets because la lune est trés belle as am I.

That one place: My happy place

"This is my safe place"...I've had more than one boyfriend and when I look back, I thought that being in a special place with them and having their arms around me while enjoying the moment was my special place. Why is that? Because for me, a woman like's to feel safe, warm, protected, loved, cared for, and most importantly, that I am someone's world for even a moment. That in that one moment, everything stays still, nothing else around you can penetrate that moment because the only thing in existence is me and him, our love, the care for one another and no matter if later on we part our separate ways, we have that one moment were it was just us.  That it wasn't me or us against the world, against our problems or worries, against the time that will pass us by and can threaten what we had or what we could have been.  What was the past will not hunt us and the concept of future does not exist, it does not matter. I am sheltered in that one place where I am at peace and I am alive. That one place were I cannot feel the hurt of reality of my life that is exhausting, full of responsibilities, full of disappointments, full of ties, of want and needs, full of desires and anger, full of anguish and bitterness, full of a will to get away and out of a hole I feel trapped in and sometimes it feels as if there was no way out except when I am in my happy place.  I was wrong to think that it was in their arms those years ago looking at the mountains or the beach thinking they loved me above nothing else.  Thinking nothing could ruin that one moment.  I was wrong.  I know where it is now and where it will always be from now on and its because no one can take it away.  It's because I got to share it in the place I always dreamt of being.  I remember it in the day and in the night. I remember the silence, I remember how I felt and knowing that no one could take that away. The pain now is of not knowing if I will have it back. Every week, I remember that moment and the pain is a knife piercing at my heart so hard that the tears come down without the slightest effort because all my strength and will is within the desire of having that one moment back. Of being able to re-live that one moment again and leaving everything else behind because this pain is unbearable. The desire and will to return to my happy place is stronger than anything and right now, I need it and want it more than anything.  I just want to get away. I just hope that the memory of that one place is enough to withstand the days to come and me missing being back there on top of everything consuming me, I hope it doesn't tear me apart more than I already am.  I hope it doesn't keep consuming me more than it already is.  At least if I close my eyes, listen to the river, remember that bridge, remember those locks, remember the love, how safe I was, how together I was, how happy I was...if I just remember the smile on my face, the calmness in my heart and the happiness in my soul of that one moment, no matter what, my happy place will always be that one place I can go to whether real or in my mind I will know that all is alright.

Love me now and forever

It was my last day in the city I had dreamt all my life of visiting.  I had no idea what the day would have in store for me but I knew I did not want to shut my eyes for one minute. I knew that with every step, with every look and with every breath I took, I had to held it tight within me because I did not know when I would be back and I also knew how hard it was gonna be to let go. I honestly didn't want the minutes to end nor the time to come to say goodbye.  As the day wore on, the sun started to set, the stares were letting me know that soon enough I would have to return home. That the dream was coming to an end and I was gonna have to wake up and would only be able to remember it as time kept moving on. At one moment, we were taken to a place I had not taken into account that was even there. It was a bridge that was newsworthy. Later, as I started crossing it, I understood what the big deal was about.  It was called the bridge of lovers. It was explained to me that people that were in love would put a lock on the bridge symbolizing their love and then throw away the key into the river Sena. Little did I know that there was one unhappy face wondering why was this place forgotten and remembered only at the last moment.  As I looked around, I was trying to find a lock with a date that would be old. The oldest I could find was 1985.  Jeez, I wasn't even born yet! As I kept looking around, there was one lock that caught my eye. It was painted with pink and it had the words: Love me now and forever.  For me, that is true love. How more romantic can you get than that?  Did I have a lock put on the bridge? No, I did not.  The person I love was not with me for me to do that.  What I can't seem to forget were those sad eyes and the serious face and that wondering look. I wish I was back on the bridge looking for that one lock that would let me know who would value those words the most.....  I wish I was looking as the sun was still not gonna come down... looking down at the river Sena, breathing in the Paris air...wishing those words on the lock were whispered in my ear while your arms were wrapped around me.  Wishing that you held my hand...that you smiled at me tenderly to then kiss me...kiss me passionately unwilling to let go because....you love me now and forever.

That guy

Can time really heal all wounds? I was once told that time is a key aspect in making a relationship work and if it was off, then it will just end abruptly.  This is true.  Especially, when you blind yourself from the truth that is staring you right in the face and everyday you keep denying the obvious that it's over.  The relationship, that no matter if it lasted years, weeks or months, no matter if it was a summer romance, or a happy new year beginning, if it was a blind date that your best friend set you up with or if it was by chance or even planned, it can end abruptly.  When it does, all this questions arise as if you didn't know why your relationship ended. Women are not stupid.  We are just sensitive and to heartfelt to accept the reality that either the guy has someone else or you just settled for a cheap guy.  When I mean cheap, I don't necessarily mean money cheap! I mean guys that are immature.  I am talking about guys that lovey dovie us into a romance that we neglect to remind ourselves that in reality, if you don't keep a clear head on your shoulders, either you will fall flat on your face or over your heels in "love".  Let me tell you: "that is not real love!"  It is hormones, it is pleasure, it is an opportunity to live a life you wouldn't dare to before him or that you just wanted to escape from your real life and this new "true love" guy will just give you that new chance at life you were seeking.  When he gives you "that" look, or give you "that" complement, or just touches you like you never have been touch (and I am not talking about sex yet), then you think you are really something special that just arose in his life and not only is he changing your life but you are changing his.  Oh yes! The change is just to ruin that chance you got for once to live a life you wouldn't have dared before him and now, after you gave him everything, what does he do?  He just says: "See ya".  You know what your going to do now? You are going to go and cry to your ex-boyfriend because that is all you have and you will settle for what you got because you feel or think you can't do better.  That is sooo unrealistic as well.  You know why? Because we are all immature at some point but that doesn't mean we need to go around and feel sorry for one another or be a bitch! Actually, you can be a bitch because if the guy decides to be an inconsiderate hurtful asshole than yes, be a bitch!  Guys like that tend to come back with their tails between their legs trying to get your attention again (it happened to me and it becomes annoying because you then ask yourself: "was I drunk during the whole relationship?") and your ex-boyfriend you went back to your gonna realize that your just living a vicious circle with him and their is a good reason the prefix ex is there so get a clue! Sooner or later (and I know most of us hopes is sooner) that guy you should of waited for, you know that prince charming that you dream about?  Let me tell you, he doesn't exist! What will come is even better! Is That guy that no matter where you are or what hour of the day it is, will be restless if he hasn't heard your voice, if he doesn't know your happy or well. That guy that no matter if you do get pissed at him, he will manage to make you smile and laugh.  No matter how many times you have kissed, it still feels like the first time.  No matter how many guys desire you, you don't have eyes for any other but That one guy that stole your heart, is on your mind and makes you feel like you can do anything.  That guy that even though your having a bad day, your tired, lonesome, far away, unhappy, stressed, red wings, pissed, in a hurry, just woken up in the morning, sleepy, forgetful or just clueless, he will sweep you off your feet, hold you tight, tell you he loves you and your all he needs....and then you realize that all you lived before was worth it as long as you have That guy in your life with you know and forever.

What if.....

Desperation....everyone tells me:"one day at a time" or "trust in the will of God" or "you can't think long run cause you don't know what is going to happen". But what if you don't prepare? What if things go bad or what you expected would happen, happens? What if by not thinking long run, you have to withstand a lot of suffering and pain more than you wanted? What if, you are just denying yourself the inevitable???  What if you start going crazy? What if you start to falter and your dreams are shattered? What if the pain you didn't want to endure becomes a reality and paralyzes you from becoming who you wished to be?  What if you have to watch others live the life you are seeking with every breath you take but your decisions are based on another life in which you feel you have no control of? What if you have a chance of true love but you can savoir it, you can't appreciate it, or live it or even taste the infinite time it would take to just be happy because of it?  What if all you feel is hurt and disappointment? What if you believe you will not recover from it? What if your on thin ice and any movement you dare to take can be your last? What if you close your eyes and your past haunts you, your present drowns you and your future blinds you?  What if those tears that come down from your eyes are just the beginning and they have no end? What if the sacrifices you make you might regret them always? What if the choices you make, you question them over and over? What if the choices you are gonna make are already eating you up inside and is making you incapable to think, sleep, eat, study, love or just be? What if...just what if tomorrow you wake up and that routine you have been living over and over and over again you realize it will never end....Actually, it seems like any end will feel like the end.  One day at a time? Guess I have no other choice but to take one day at a time or I will loose my sanity. Trust in the will of God? I will pray every day for strength, wisdom and serenity. Do I know what will happen? I just know I want to avoid the inevitable but don't know if I have any strength left to endure it. I guess I am just left with, what if...?

"Te amo" (I love you)

"Te amo" (I love you). The first time I said it to my first boyfriend, it took me two weeks, after he had said it to me, to be able to say it back! Why? Honestly, I wanted to mean it. I wanted the passion, truth and everything it entailed was real to me.  Also, I wanted to make sure I knew what I was saying before saying it.  I've had more than one relationship were saying "I love you" has been wasted. After my first relationship, the other three guys that came after, they said I love you first like they knew what they were saying. I trusted them and my feelings grew to love.  Was I sure I loved them back? Could I have called that true love or real love? Right now, I know that for their part, it was the hormones, dominance and immaturity talking.  I know I meant it every time I said it. Was it the same kind of love? No. Did I say it equally for each of them? No. What's the difference? I will dare say it….

“…I enjoy the night time because in so much darkness, it's hard to loose your way while the night sky shines with the moon and the stars. Some nights, the clouds cover the moon but the night breeze and coolness surrounds me making the night air soothing and comforting. The stars, depending on which one you follow, tell a story. U can never get bored with them. U can put a blanket down, rest underneath them and watch them all through the night while they twinkle. You wonder what story they can tell or if their silence alone is a story enough. The moon, depending on the season, has a different shape or is hidden as if it had a secret.  As if its struggling to become whole because in that night it wants you to know that even though u can't see it, you have the stars that while listen and give u a shoulder to cry on while it returns because it doesn't stop thinking of you and all it wants is to stay by your side shining your night because it knows that it makes you smile. The next night, it appears and it brings a smile. U feel joyous when that happens and you know that you’re in its mind because it shines for you, even though you know it wants to do better. You expect that the next night, u will see the same but u don't. It's rounder and shaded as if it wasn't having a good day but it still shines because it will be there to keep u company and comfort if need be. It’s selfless no matter how dark it feels.  As the nights roll by, you see that it’s round and glorious. It’s happy because it knows how much you care for it and you waited all day for nightfall to have the moon by your side.  It shines brightly because it wants to be with you and u know it won’t leave your side unless it has to. You know its happiest when ur there and its sad when it has to part. When it’s at it’s brightest and with more stars than u could bear count, its screaming for your heart to hear how much it loves u, how much it wants to hear your voice, to feel your presence, how much it needs u, how much it wants to be with u, how much it wants to make u proud, give u what u deserve, make u happy and most importantly, be the other half that u yearn…  I don’t feel alone but whole. I am no longer sad nor heartbroken.  I feel brave and loved. I feel heard and cared for. I am comforted. Oh, moon! U are not perfect, you’re unreal to me.  My pulse raises, my heart flutters with passion, desire and love at every full moon because I can see your true feelings and desires toward me. I couldn’t hold my breath any longer.  Instead of a shiver down my spine, my whole body and warmed it. A calmness that sooth my soul and a disengagement from the world was the reality around me and without second thoughts, fears or worries I said with every last fiber of my being those three words I wanted to scream to the four winds:”te amo.”

I can speak with my heart in your hands. I trust you and believe your words. I trust that time will allow all our dreams and goals to come true. The best part of all is that I will have you to share it with. To keep my heart warm and beating strong, healthy and full of life because that is what you bring and give me. That is why I said “te amo” without a worry or care in the word especially because the word was nonexistent. It was only you and me together, the future to look forward to and I love you now, forever and always!