The "game" and I am left "clueless"!!!

It's always my fault. I never care enough. I never try enough or dedicate myself enough. I always let my mom get in the way. My shit doesn't matter and my responsibilities don't mount enough pressure. I'm always the one that manipulates, controls, naggs or doesn't nag enough. I don't communicate nor try to. I don't make sacrifices. I'm not organized even if I started a new chapter in my life and I am trying to cope w everything I have. And is as if life let's me stroll peacefully down the road and doesn't give me challenges most of the time as if my life were easy peasy! I apparently don't fight hard enough. I disappoint, I don't listen nor want too. I'm selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, I have to much on my plate. My pain, past experiences, past relationships don't match or matter compared to others, I'm fragile, I don't suck things up, I don't take care of myself or others, I don't have a temper, I don't understand, I don't follow orders, I'm not dominant, I wine cause I'm a cry baby, I'm not dependable, I'm untrustworthy, weak...I'm just a complete disappointment!!!

This is a total lie! What would u do if the person u fell in love with tell u:"Ur an awesome girl but ur just Idk." What kind of answer is that??? How can I not get mad, feel hurt, betrayed and misunderstand ur feelings and situation when that is the answer u give me. U don't even pick up the phone to call. U do it all via text when we were gonna talk face to face. To top it all off, what do u base it on:"U left me dressed w no where to go like three times and u've disappointed me. I can't handle if u disappoint me another time and I spoke w u clearly to let me know w time if ur gonna change plans on me, I'm used to this because i was w my ex 6 to 7 yrs and she played me. I told u I'm not like other guys. I need to know of u but u r busy and u don't care about me. U started to care bc I panicked u when u saw u could loose me. I've been feeling like this for a while and I thought it would change but I feel the same. My decision is final."

U know what hurts the most! How u threw all ur anger at me! Was it at me our u decided that I pay the broken plated of all that ur ex did to u??!! Am I really such a disappointment or is it that u are an inmature, inconsiderate, fill ur mouth of bs person??!!! I just wanted to be w u at the end of the day. Somethings that happened were out of my control and if u felt hurt because I wasn't able to see you two times, It wasn't because I didn't try or was being inconsiderate. I had showed u how hardworking, caring and how much I love a person. It's hard for me to express myself because I am prideful but when I say nothing, I say more than when I am saying something. I tried talking in various ways but everytime, all I got was ur anger, distaste and distrust. How can i handle that? Do I deserve that regardless all u've been through? What about what I have been through? Did u take it into account? Hell no!!! What was really the truth? The thruth was that u LIED 2 me! U said u are a straightforward person that says the thruth no matter what! That u don't fill ur mouth w bs! Oh, but I do, right?

U told me I could talk 2 u about anything and u wouldn't get mad. U told me to tell u when I am mad or something bothers me so u can correct it. I told u I was afraid to make a mistake no matter how small bc I felt like the world would fall into a million pieces for u bc of everything ur gf put u through in ur past relationship. When I would call u, I couldn't reach u and the little times I did, u only talked to me for like 5 mins. Everytime I would ask, ur answer would be:"all is ok, don't worry. I have a temper and I don't want to say the wrong things and ruin everything. Things need to be said little by little in due time" or my fav:"I don't want to talk". U told me u didn't talk to me on the phone cause u were mad. I write a letter to better our commincation, so u know how I felt about u, the situation, how to better it, what i understood, to later discuss it like grown ups and let the levels of anger die down but u blew it up on my face! U made me the bad guy out of what??? OUT OF WHAT???

Could u truly say u loved me??? Could u truly accept the fact all was my fault, that I didn't care, that I didn't listen, that i didn't fight? For someone that was 6 or 7 yrs w a girl that was unfaithful, didn't appreciate u, didn't value u, didn't worry about u, didn't accept u, she just wasn't what u deserve...u pay me w the same hand! U humiliated, disrespected, lied, used, and broke my heart and why? Bc truly, u weren't ready for me. U couldn't handle my feelings nor my responsibilities. I don't like being d.  I feel like u let ur past affect ur present, I feel like u took the easy way out, I feel like u forgot what u promised me, I feel like u didn't value me, like u didn't respect, that u stepped over me and after u blamed everything on me, told me the time to talked passed, try to make me feel like shit, then u wanted to talk and face me. I went to taje a breather and live life which I hardly get to do ans then u get pissed and don't want to talk. What was up w that? Would it had made u feel better if I was cryibg helplessly and beggued u to make it work???! Is that what happenend w ur ex? U said that it was STUPID if a man made a woman feel like shit to get his own way. Guess what, Thats what U did and u don't c it and don't want to accept it!

I can't fight against the current when u only c ur side and u won't listen. Even if u don't listen, can't u realize how much i do care by looking at my eyes and remembering how I would kiss u. Everytime I would say:"I love u more and don't u forget it"! I would say it thay way bc I wanted u to know that no matter what, I had u on my mind, I worried about u and at the end of all my struggles and even if u felt that I was absent or busy bc apparently I had "nothing to do" from ur point of view or compared to u, u had my heart and I would do almost anything to show it to u and give u what u deserve. What did u do? U spat on my face! and then expect me to what? Screw that cause that is what u did even though u promised that that wasn't ur intentions.

I'm not perfect. I have my faults and their are moments when I feel I am crumbling. Sometimes I should be more upfront or straightforward with people but I'm not because when I get mad, what I do is hurt the ones I love bc I have a temper. But it's mostly because I am prideful and I if u hurt me, I feel like I should do the same. I restrain myself from doing such a thing bc its not my style nor who I am. I don't tend to show my feelings as much as I would like or should because I am afraid. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of being vulnerable and I start thinking that everything will fall apart bc I think everything is fine but then its not. I admit it that it can get the best of me but I try to not let that happen. I am unselfish when it comes to love. I am considerate because I am nice and generous. I like to laugh. It was hard for me to comfort the people I love in times of need bc its hard for me to find the words but when it comes down to it...I am there. I can be a shoulder to cry on. I listen although I learn by getting hit. I can be stubborn but I'm a little girl at heart. Im friendly, honest, faithful, loyal and trustworthy. I don't like letting people down and I do everything possible to not let that happen and to be there when it counts...I always like to be there. I'm not a hypocrite! I can't stand jealousy, manipulations, control so therefore, I don't try that on people. I can be demanding at times only if I am giving my all and more. I take to much on in my life which I shouldn't but that's how i live. It's hard at times but I suck it up and deal with the hits and responsibilities. Honestly, I do all possible to get were ai want to be and I just want to be happy with someone that will respect, understand, care, loves and is patient with me. I thought it was u but u made sure for me to clearly see so If u couldn't handle me at my worst, then as hell u deserve me at my best!

Heartbreak

            There are days were I don't think I will survive the sadness. Were I wake up and is as if I was looking at myself from a mirror and when I focus, I half expect it to crack. I look into my eyes and their empty.  I know I want to cry but I just can't.  I ask myself the same questions.  I repeat them over, and over, and over, and over again.  I know I won't get a clear answer or any for that matter, and then I look down to make sure I am really awake.  It doesn't feel like I am although I know it's real because I can feel the pain.  I can feel the knife piercing, I can sense the anger, disappointment, the trials and tribulations that haunt me everyday.
             In the morning I wake and its there. As the day goes buy it subsides but once I hear the ticker, a flicker or remembrance approaches, it comes back to haunt me again.  Many memories plague me. Many whispers torture me and I can't seem to stand still. If I do, its like lightning struck my heart and I can't seem to keep it in one piece. I held my breath hoping I can heal the scar but all I get are my eyes to feel with tears that want to run down and I fight to keep them back. I don't want to feel helpless.  I don't want anyone to see my vulnerability. I'm tired of being told:"I am sorry".
             I try to run but I can't. I try to keep myself busy but the universe makes sure that I stay in time with reality.  I try to talk but who can compare with such turmoil.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  Such heartbreak is not meant for the weak nor the strong. It's not something that can be prepared for. It's not something that should endure but it does. It's a deep scream in the soul of a human being with purity and hope. Its a cry for help but there isn't enough arms to hold such fragility when heartbreak consumes the soul.  There is nothing to keep you whole.  Only the feel of loss and despair to keep you comfort til you can cope.

How it all started

Bestie and I in the line to go watch the movie the Fast and the Furious 5:
Bestie:"We are gonna see those marked bodies of Vin Diesel and the Rock!"
Me:"Vin Diesel is hot and the Rock with those lines, that big neck, those arms..."
Bestie:"Seeing them fight together is gonna be porn for women"
Me:"Stop! I'm cold and got nothing to go back home too to warm me up unlike you"
Bestie:"Shut up sangana but yes. Hmmm, it hasn't been long..."
Me:"*sigh*...your not helping".
Bestie:"all we have to do is find somebody to fulfill your needs but have fun, no complications, hmmmmm"
Me:"Who? I don't nor want surprises. I've had enough and even though it would be fun to have a friend with benefits, I'm not sure I want to risk it".
Bestie:"I know who would be perfect. My bf knows him better than I do but he is a nice and funny guy. He changed. He went to the army and when he came back, he was different and I like who he is".
Me:....."Ok"
Bestie:"I'm gonna show you a pic on facebook. See, he is good looking".
Me:"his cute, I guess.  I don't know about this."
Bestie:"Here is what we can do. We plan an outing. Not a date date. I will tell him that I have a friend that wants to hang and meet and we just all go so if you guys hit it off, great. If you guys don't, no big deal. What you think?"
Me:............."Ok...I guess. I'm gonna get a bit nervous but it works. I can go on with that".
I decide to go Bohemian Night at the university I used to study and to my surprised, I was later told he was coming! It was so cold that night. I was glad I dressed nice, my hair looked nice, had makeup....but boy was I nervous!!!! Bestie and her bf with his cousin and two of his friends came.  One of them was "the guy". He was sitting behind me with his back at me. He had arrived for a while and he still hadn't said hi. I was cold, anxious and nervous and let me say that that's such a bad combination. I remember bestie looking me with big eyes and telling me:"this is not a date". I tried to keep my cool but I couldn't help it.  It was as if everyone, including the world was conspiring against me.  I didn't want nothing serious.  I wasn't sure I was ready for that.  I was scared silly and was trying not to show it.  I mean, even though it wasn't a date but everyone seemed to be acting as if it were because all eyes were on us and everybody hovered like satellites, I couldn't help but feel like this moment would define my life forever. He made the first approach. He had a big smile. Not only did he look nice but he seemed nice and that is something I can't forget.  I was quite almost all night. But there was one moment that marked that night and my heart.  I thought it only happened in movies because it happened exactly as a romantic scene played in live screen.  The difference was that it was my life and it was happening there and then.  I was just in my friends apartment, sitting in the couch across from him and I looked up.  I studied him for what seemed more than a few minutes and right there and then, he looks at me and smiles.  I couldn't help but smile back and I certainly couldn't stop looking at him.  Not only did my heart flutter, my cheeks burned, my body ached and I felt nothing but his stare on me and mine on his....I knew that I liked him and the thought scared me because I could feel that my heart was gonna ached for him even more than I would imagine. Even now my body trembles at the thought.  I can remember his touch, his voice and how I fell for him.