My present status

My heart flutters...my mind doesn't wonder...my breath is either steady or heavy....I am calm and at peace. I am happy. I am just....in a dream. His not real and though I can feel his touch, I can hear his voice, know how much he cares, look into his steady eyes and see more than I want to believe...I can laugh and be myself without holding back. I can stumble with my words and worry without a heaviness because he caries it against my better judgment. Against my better judgement? It's something that I have question myself. Once the magic disappears, will I be able to stand what is left? Will we both? When the world finds us out and drags us back to reality to face the harshness of every decision and the cruelty of life!??? What will we do? What if I decide to be selfish? What if I want something more? I am utterly afraid. I have been releasing myself and living. Living without wanting to concern myself of others opinion's. I have been forgetting myself in your arms that are warm, tender and soothing.  I shudder at the thought of being free. Sometimes I just want to wonder on my own but I will not be able to live with such a decision.  We resemble each other in so many ways...it's not normal! How can two parallel words intertwine when you least expect it or at all? You can see clearly things that for no reason, could be seen before. I tremble now. I have been nothing but honest. I want and desire two different things and I just want to run because, I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone in the process. I feel like something bad will happen and at the same time, I feel like all that is happening, is suppose to be happening.  His there now and I don't want him to leave. His what I need and I like it. He makes me happy, he listens and I can be myself. I don't have to pretend and he accepts my double life. He releases me from my struggles and cures me of my painful past and present. That is not a crime but Can he cure me from my future? Can he make promises that he can keep? So, what is it that I am questioning? I actually know the answer, I just can't stand how I haven't risen above it.....I just want to run....but where?....

My view of life

There she is again. A sweet, gentle, innocent little girl. She has such a beautiful and joyous smile that melts my heart. I approach her and ask her:"What you doing here all by yourself and with such a smile in your face?"
The little girl seemed to not have a care in the world and that is the answer she gives me.
Little girl:"I am happy and I have no worries, no fears, no doubts, no anger, no regrets, no sorrow...I have only joy and I want to grow up! I want to be like my mom. I miss her lots cause she works a lot so I spend a lot of time with my brother and sisters plus I like to use a lot my imagination."
I couldn't stop looking at the little girl and wishing I had her sense of freedom. She took my hand then and told me:"Go on ahead and look. Tell me what you see".
All I saw was a normal sidewalk. It was the world, the present and I thought time had stopped but it was going. People were walking as if its just another day to go by. As if it didn't matter who passed them by or why. As if life was a simply routine of each day. As I realized this, it dawned on me that the smile on the little girl's face disappeared and she became sad. She has my eyes, I realized.
As we walked, I began to think that life is not black and white. Life most of the time, it's gray. I learned that there is no prince charming. Instead, imperfection, disappointment, lies, malice, ignorance, jealousy, and hate. I learned that every person that past me by had a reason to be. They could be the reason I am alive at that very moment or I could save them. Any person I could meet or had met could've had a significance in my life without me knowing it.
She pulled then. I looked down on her and she said:"You are hurting me to much".  I couldn't understand her. Such a small thing that doesn't know about life but has a hurry to grow up. I told her:"I am sad. I am disappointed and confused. There are so many things I don't understand and at the same time, I noticed that I didn't expect any of this. I didn't know I would learn that life isn't always what we think or want it to be. Is not always fun and games. You can't always trust people with your happiness and heart. You can't always rush a decision or say what you think. You can't just walk by like in this sidewalk ignorant and superficial about what lies ahead and what past you by."
Little girl:"You are talking in riddles. Life is what you make it. It's what you want it to be no matter who likes it or not. Not everyone agrees with me because I'm not a grown up but I am little. I see more than others do. I know if I am lied to or if I am taken advantage of. I like to be generous and nice. I don't like mean people. I think they are bitter and no fun. I can't believe you said Prince Charming doesn't exist! He does you just haven't looked hard enough. You are just making bad friends and bad decisions. You have to be as smart as me and you will see. I get good grades cause I love to study. I like also going to church and laughing. I get teased a lot because I am just too good so I've heard but what's wrong with that?".
I couldn't help but smile at her but with a melancholy within me. She reminded me of...well...of me when I was little. I was just me. Nice, loving, respectful, trusthworthy...but yes, I was teased, stabbed in the back, lied to, taken advantage of...I changed and so did the world...my world.
Little girls:"Stop it! It was nice and pretty. Now is gray!"
Me:"Huh? I'm not doing anything".
Little girl:"Who are they?"
I followed her gaze and their they were. All four of them. It was really unexpected and a whiplash at the same time.
Little girl:"Ouch!".
Me:"What??? Are you ok?".
Little girl:"Do I look it?"
Me:"Sorry".
Little girl:"Talk about Prince Charming. This it?".
Me:"Hey...I didn't say anything out loud about Prince Charming".
Little girl:"Who is the first one?"
Me:"That was my high school sweetheart."
Little girl:"Everything is all fuzzy. You seemed extremely happy and hopeful and completely oblivious. Wow, you sure trusted no matter what".
Me:"I don't want to be reminded of the faults that were committed nor the pain I endured".
Little girl:"No kidding. Well? What about him? The other two seemed like you were blind".
Me:"I'm gonna start ignoring you".
Little girl:"Don't hate the player. Hate the game". She smiles at me with a devilish smile of a little girl teasing but being sincere at the same time. I sigh, take a deep breath and began:
"I fell for him because of his Tender, Loving and Care to be honest. He was different than anybody I've ever met and I could be myself with him. The problem was, we were young and he had faults that played against us. He didn't fight for me when he had to and everything just fell apart. I guess that unexpected twist of me thinking that all was alright, everything would work itself out, that the man that loves me would respect and fight for me and that we should sacrifice everything for love, tainted me ever since. I haven't been myself after that cause I thought it was a fairy tale but not all relationships have a fairy tale ending. The second one was the first guy I really felt anything similar than before. I guess I threw rationality and judicious out the window. I was far away from home and just went with the flow and not wanting to be who I was. He turned on a spark and I made unrational decisions because I wanted to be a grown woman in control of her life. Plus, I though he wasn't bullshitting me. At the end, I learned he was immature, arrogant, selfish and was not gonna keep his word. All he cared about was himself and his manhood.  From that relationship, I went from being a "small grasshopper" to immature woman.  I changed but not for the best because what came next could've ruined my life for good and it wasn't worth it.  At the end and again, I paid for the broken dishes.
Little girl:"The broken dishes?"  She looked around as if literally looking for broken dishes.
Me:"You know for a smart little girl, you can be very obtuse".
She just blinked and I just laughed for a moment but continued.
Me:"I always ended up being the bad one. I was always to blame and it seemed that all my efforts were in vain. I felt like a rag doll. You play with me, have fun with me and then, you dispose of me just because..."
Little girl:"Just because? Just because of what? Your pretty, smart, hardworking, loyal, loving, respectful, caring...I don't understand?"
Me:"Yes you do." It was all I could master.  Little by little, I was realizing it.  As she looked into my eyes, she could too.
Little girl:"Oh."  She felt it then and as much as we both wanted to scream and cry, she only asked:"What about that last one?"
Me:"I thought he was the one, the it but it ended up being a riddle and a complete distortion.  I sensed that was it but in wanting to prevent so much, everything came tumbling down." And then, all of a sudden....
Little girl:"Ouch! I'ts getting dark. I always see a mature young woman in the dark. She stares at me but I don't understand why. We are so different and that is her."
Me:"You seemed frightened of her." As I looked into her eyes, there was such resemblance between us all and I was also frightened. It became cold and there was a depth of....nothing and so much chaos at the same time. I was terribly frightened, worried and concerned for the both of us.
Her:"I have been waiting for the moment to strike for the truth needs to be told and accepted."
Little girl:"What truth?Your just mean, angry, resentful, hateful, vengeful, hurtful, and cold!"
Her:"Your just ignorant, immature and blind! Your the one blind but she is not!"
I couldn't stop staring as both of them bickered. There was such resemblance but their couldn't be because of how opposite of each other they were. We all were.
Me:"Your not welcome here."
Little girl:"See! Told you."
Her:"Fear is a weakness and you are not weak. You are not fragile and you must stop being compassionate and generous."
Me:"Then I will stop being and..."
Her:"...and I will be."
Little girl:"That won't happen."
Her:"Is what she wants. It's plainly written...there...it's such a heartfelt desire. Isn't it."
The anger was starting to boil.  I was displeased but at the same time, reluctant. Reluctant to deny...
Her:"You can't deny me. Accept me. Things would be a lot easier for you."
Little girl:"You can't make her life easier. Your nothing but a poison."
What a mixture of thoughts and feelings. It was hard to make sense of all of it. I felt like I was being pounded in my head, my heart and my soul yearning...yearning...
Her:"....for me. You can't deny me. What you want most, I can achieve it."
Her: Do you feel better?
Me:Your in my mind. Your everywhere now. The anger if feels overwhelming and soothing.
Her:I am giving you control and strength. It's fairly easy if you stop denying me. If you stop fighting me we can do so much together. Everyone that has hurt you would learn to fear you. Anyone who dares to disobey and manipulate you would be punished. Those who have crossed your path and tainted your soul would be erased. You could live a life as you see fit and make others doubt ever speaking one wrong word about you. You could hurt and pain all those that have wrong you. You can lust without doubt. You can sacrifice and decide without compassion nor regret. You can finally live this life without fear, take your hate and take vengeance if need be. You would be rootless and strong. Nothing nor no one to hold you back.
She was amazing. I desired her more than anything. She was reviving my spirit. She was giving me strength and any pain I felt was disappearing. I welcomed her with open arms and she was devouring me. I heard a faint voice cry but it was choked. It vanished. All thought and feeling vanished. I was hole and it felt satisfying and utterly....hmmmm....gratifying....yes!
to be continued......

The "game" and I am left "clueless"!!!

It's always my fault. I never care enough. I never try enough or dedicate myself enough. I always let my mom get in the way. My shit doesn't matter and my responsibilities don't mount enough pressure. I'm always the one that manipulates, controls, naggs or doesn't nag enough. I don't communicate nor try to. I don't make sacrifices. I'm not organized even if I started a new chapter in my life and I am trying to cope w everything I have. And is as if life let's me stroll peacefully down the road and doesn't give me challenges most of the time as if my life were easy peasy! I apparently don't fight hard enough. I disappoint, I don't listen nor want too. I'm selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, I have to much on my plate. My pain, past experiences, past relationships don't match or matter compared to others, I'm fragile, I don't suck things up, I don't take care of myself or others, I don't have a temper, I don't understand, I don't follow orders, I'm not dominant, I wine cause I'm a cry baby, I'm not dependable, I'm untrustworthy, weak...I'm just a complete disappointment!!!

This is a total lie! What would u do if the person u fell in love with tell u:"Ur an awesome girl but ur just Idk." What kind of answer is that??? How can I not get mad, feel hurt, betrayed and misunderstand ur feelings and situation when that is the answer u give me. U don't even pick up the phone to call. U do it all via text when we were gonna talk face to face. To top it all off, what do u base it on:"U left me dressed w no where to go like three times and u've disappointed me. I can't handle if u disappoint me another time and I spoke w u clearly to let me know w time if ur gonna change plans on me, I'm used to this because i was w my ex 6 to 7 yrs and she played me. I told u I'm not like other guys. I need to know of u but u r busy and u don't care about me. U started to care bc I panicked u when u saw u could loose me. I've been feeling like this for a while and I thought it would change but I feel the same. My decision is final."

U know what hurts the most! How u threw all ur anger at me! Was it at me our u decided that I pay the broken plated of all that ur ex did to u??!! Am I really such a disappointment or is it that u are an inmature, inconsiderate, fill ur mouth of bs person??!!! I just wanted to be w u at the end of the day. Somethings that happened were out of my control and if u felt hurt because I wasn't able to see you two times, It wasn't because I didn't try or was being inconsiderate. I had showed u how hardworking, caring and how much I love a person. It's hard for me to express myself because I am prideful but when I say nothing, I say more than when I am saying something. I tried talking in various ways but everytime, all I got was ur anger, distaste and distrust. How can i handle that? Do I deserve that regardless all u've been through? What about what I have been through? Did u take it into account? Hell no!!! What was really the truth? The thruth was that u LIED 2 me! U said u are a straightforward person that says the thruth no matter what! That u don't fill ur mouth w bs! Oh, but I do, right?

U told me I could talk 2 u about anything and u wouldn't get mad. U told me to tell u when I am mad or something bothers me so u can correct it. I told u I was afraid to make a mistake no matter how small bc I felt like the world would fall into a million pieces for u bc of everything ur gf put u through in ur past relationship. When I would call u, I couldn't reach u and the little times I did, u only talked to me for like 5 mins. Everytime I would ask, ur answer would be:"all is ok, don't worry. I have a temper and I don't want to say the wrong things and ruin everything. Things need to be said little by little in due time" or my fav:"I don't want to talk". U told me u didn't talk to me on the phone cause u were mad. I write a letter to better our commincation, so u know how I felt about u, the situation, how to better it, what i understood, to later discuss it like grown ups and let the levels of anger die down but u blew it up on my face! U made me the bad guy out of what??? OUT OF WHAT???

Could u truly say u loved me??? Could u truly accept the fact all was my fault, that I didn't care, that I didn't listen, that i didn't fight? For someone that was 6 or 7 yrs w a girl that was unfaithful, didn't appreciate u, didn't value u, didn't worry about u, didn't accept u, she just wasn't what u deserve...u pay me w the same hand! U humiliated, disrespected, lied, used, and broke my heart and why? Bc truly, u weren't ready for me. U couldn't handle my feelings nor my responsibilities. I don't like being d.  I feel like u let ur past affect ur present, I feel like u took the easy way out, I feel like u forgot what u promised me, I feel like u didn't value me, like u didn't respect, that u stepped over me and after u blamed everything on me, told me the time to talked passed, try to make me feel like shit, then u wanted to talk and face me. I went to taje a breather and live life which I hardly get to do ans then u get pissed and don't want to talk. What was up w that? Would it had made u feel better if I was cryibg helplessly and beggued u to make it work???! Is that what happenend w ur ex? U said that it was STUPID if a man made a woman feel like shit to get his own way. Guess what, Thats what U did and u don't c it and don't want to accept it!

I can't fight against the current when u only c ur side and u won't listen. Even if u don't listen, can't u realize how much i do care by looking at my eyes and remembering how I would kiss u. Everytime I would say:"I love u more and don't u forget it"! I would say it thay way bc I wanted u to know that no matter what, I had u on my mind, I worried about u and at the end of all my struggles and even if u felt that I was absent or busy bc apparently I had "nothing to do" from ur point of view or compared to u, u had my heart and I would do almost anything to show it to u and give u what u deserve. What did u do? U spat on my face! and then expect me to what? Screw that cause that is what u did even though u promised that that wasn't ur intentions.

I'm not perfect. I have my faults and their are moments when I feel I am crumbling. Sometimes I should be more upfront or straightforward with people but I'm not because when I get mad, what I do is hurt the ones I love bc I have a temper. But it's mostly because I am prideful and I if u hurt me, I feel like I should do the same. I restrain myself from doing such a thing bc its not my style nor who I am. I don't tend to show my feelings as much as I would like or should because I am afraid. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of being vulnerable and I start thinking that everything will fall apart bc I think everything is fine but then its not. I admit it that it can get the best of me but I try to not let that happen. I am unselfish when it comes to love. I am considerate because I am nice and generous. I like to laugh. It was hard for me to comfort the people I love in times of need bc its hard for me to find the words but when it comes down to it...I am there. I can be a shoulder to cry on. I listen although I learn by getting hit. I can be stubborn but I'm a little girl at heart. Im friendly, honest, faithful, loyal and trustworthy. I don't like letting people down and I do everything possible to not let that happen and to be there when it counts...I always like to be there. I'm not a hypocrite! I can't stand jealousy, manipulations, control so therefore, I don't try that on people. I can be demanding at times only if I am giving my all and more. I take to much on in my life which I shouldn't but that's how i live. It's hard at times but I suck it up and deal with the hits and responsibilities. Honestly, I do all possible to get were ai want to be and I just want to be happy with someone that will respect, understand, care, loves and is patient with me. I thought it was u but u made sure for me to clearly see so If u couldn't handle me at my worst, then as hell u deserve me at my best!

Heartbreak

            There are days were I don't think I will survive the sadness. Were I wake up and is as if I was looking at myself from a mirror and when I focus, I half expect it to crack. I look into my eyes and their empty.  I know I want to cry but I just can't.  I ask myself the same questions.  I repeat them over, and over, and over, and over again.  I know I won't get a clear answer or any for that matter, and then I look down to make sure I am really awake.  It doesn't feel like I am although I know it's real because I can feel the pain.  I can feel the knife piercing, I can sense the anger, disappointment, the trials and tribulations that haunt me everyday.
             In the morning I wake and its there. As the day goes buy it subsides but once I hear the ticker, a flicker or remembrance approaches, it comes back to haunt me again.  Many memories plague me. Many whispers torture me and I can't seem to stand still. If I do, its like lightning struck my heart and I can't seem to keep it in one piece. I held my breath hoping I can heal the scar but all I get are my eyes to feel with tears that want to run down and I fight to keep them back. I don't want to feel helpless.  I don't want anyone to see my vulnerability. I'm tired of being told:"I am sorry".
             I try to run but I can't. I try to keep myself busy but the universe makes sure that I stay in time with reality.  I try to talk but who can compare with such turmoil.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  Such heartbreak is not meant for the weak nor the strong. It's not something that can be prepared for. It's not something that should endure but it does. It's a deep scream in the soul of a human being with purity and hope. Its a cry for help but there isn't enough arms to hold such fragility when heartbreak consumes the soul.  There is nothing to keep you whole.  Only the feel of loss and despair to keep you comfort til you can cope.

How it all started

Bestie and I in the line to go watch the movie the Fast and the Furious 5:
Bestie:"We are gonna see those marked bodies of Vin Diesel and the Rock!"
Me:"Vin Diesel is hot and the Rock with those lines, that big neck, those arms..."
Bestie:"Seeing them fight together is gonna be porn for women"
Me:"Stop! I'm cold and got nothing to go back home too to warm me up unlike you"
Bestie:"Shut up sangana but yes. Hmmm, it hasn't been long..."
Me:"*sigh*...your not helping".
Bestie:"all we have to do is find somebody to fulfill your needs but have fun, no complications, hmmmmm"
Me:"Who? I don't nor want surprises. I've had enough and even though it would be fun to have a friend with benefits, I'm not sure I want to risk it".
Bestie:"I know who would be perfect. My bf knows him better than I do but he is a nice and funny guy. He changed. He went to the army and when he came back, he was different and I like who he is".
Me:....."Ok"
Bestie:"I'm gonna show you a pic on facebook. See, he is good looking".
Me:"his cute, I guess.  I don't know about this."
Bestie:"Here is what we can do. We plan an outing. Not a date date. I will tell him that I have a friend that wants to hang and meet and we just all go so if you guys hit it off, great. If you guys don't, no big deal. What you think?"
Me:............."Ok...I guess. I'm gonna get a bit nervous but it works. I can go on with that".
I decide to go Bohemian Night at the university I used to study and to my surprised, I was later told he was coming! It was so cold that night. I was glad I dressed nice, my hair looked nice, had makeup....but boy was I nervous!!!! Bestie and her bf with his cousin and two of his friends came.  One of them was "the guy". He was sitting behind me with his back at me. He had arrived for a while and he still hadn't said hi. I was cold, anxious and nervous and let me say that that's such a bad combination. I remember bestie looking me with big eyes and telling me:"this is not a date". I tried to keep my cool but I couldn't help it.  It was as if everyone, including the world was conspiring against me.  I didn't want nothing serious.  I wasn't sure I was ready for that.  I was scared silly and was trying not to show it.  I mean, even though it wasn't a date but everyone seemed to be acting as if it were because all eyes were on us and everybody hovered like satellites, I couldn't help but feel like this moment would define my life forever. He made the first approach. He had a big smile. Not only did he look nice but he seemed nice and that is something I can't forget.  I was quite almost all night. But there was one moment that marked that night and my heart.  I thought it only happened in movies because it happened exactly as a romantic scene played in live screen.  The difference was that it was my life and it was happening there and then.  I was just in my friends apartment, sitting in the couch across from him and I looked up.  I studied him for what seemed more than a few minutes and right there and then, he looks at me and smiles.  I couldn't help but smile back and I certainly couldn't stop looking at him.  Not only did my heart flutter, my cheeks burned, my body ached and I felt nothing but his stare on me and mine on his....I knew that I liked him and the thought scared me because I could feel that my heart was gonna ached for him even more than I would imagine. Even now my body trembles at the thought.  I can remember his touch, his voice and how I fell for him.

In a foul mood!

What a lousy and crappy day it has been. I have the
"mono trepado" as we say over here, I'm tired, got lots of studying to do, have money problems, I need to fix my car, my mother pissed me off, I need to keep up with my classes, I'm getting a slaved pay at work and all this 4 what? Cause I want a better future. I WILL NOT live my life worrying constantly about money. Women age quicker than men just because we get overly stressed and stressed is just part of my damn DNA. Why can it just go and screw itsel over, go 4ever on vaca and just leave me in piece. Why can't the angel of death kill it??? Kill worries, stress, frustration, anger, bitterness and 4 all those that like jealousy, insecurities, temperament...shooooo away too! I can't stand this and even if I want to take a nice darn hot shower..I CAN'T!!! The damn shower os not working probably bc the lower part throws more water than the upper part. I'm better of going swimming or showering in a jacussi if I had one! Aghhhh!!!!! Can a girl get some piece of mind cause I don't have money to go to the chiropracter to feel better and I hope that the three pills my insurance did pay is enough to get me to 100% cause stupid MCS didn't want to pay for all 5 pills bc they say that three is enough bc that is whats normally asked for. WTH???? I can't rely economically on my parents nor emotionally cause they are broken and the one that has to handle the shit is me. like always! I detest my mother breathing down my back saying I have a nasty attitude but where do I get it from... Hellloooo HER!!!! What a lousy day and I still have class and homework!

Torture

I just can't can't shut my eyes and rest. Sure, if I am very sleepy and tired, I might sleep 4 or 5 hrs but at 3am, my eyes open. I twist and turn. I tose and turn and no matter how much I try to denied it, I'm just thinking why? I've learned that why shouldn't be something to question cause you will hardly get an answer. Is better to ask how or when or better yet, how come? I have my way of handling things and my standarts. I like to do things with a certain flow to be able to balance everything in my life that I must say it's not easy. As I am lying restless in my bed,I ask myself:"how do I get tangled up, rung up and disturbed"? When u start following a routine and then that routine gets up on the wrong side of the bed or takes a bad turn...your just left wondering. I haven't felt so utterly clueless in my life. I just can't make sense of it. I want to know why your not there answering? Why you've changed? But, who am I fooling. I twist, toss and turn cause I know the answer...your disappointed in me. Are you really disappointed in me or your just reminded of the pain a low life human being cast upon you with such horrible mistakes because she didn't value you. Here is a tip:"I value you". You promised I didn't have to worry about her past mistakes being cast upon me cause you weren't going to press them on me...you don't remember telling me that do you? Do you put yourself in my shoes when I try to explain to you how I feel. I don't feel that anymore because when I want to explain myself, you only see your point of view and my mistake cause of lack of communication. I want to talk but you tell me:"all in time" but if I get mad you want me to tell you right then and there. If your the one that's mad, depending on what it is, your comprehensive if not hurtful but I suck it up. You don't tell me if your mad, I have to make the first step. All because of one unintentional mistake, you've changed. Is not that you don't care but where are you? Are you gonna put me aside when you leave? How can I know that no matter what I can talk to you? How can I feel you are being tentative and you will express what is necessary to make things work? How badly am I sacrificing my heart when you can see how much you mean to me? Everyone sees it and it makes me angry I have open that door of such...torture? It's only torture when I don't get what's going on in your head and all I can get is mild receptiveness on your part. What a wall to break down on top of everything else we have going in our lives. Can't you see that my degree of pain can be leveled to yours? I did have it easy once and it all came tumbling down. We all become an ugly duckling in some time of our lives. We have to take major responsibilities and endure major headaches, heartaches, beatings, regrets and more. While the sun rises, the hours pass, I sit here wondering how you are? Will I hear from you? Do you care? Right now I know that time can be a powerful ally and a great torturer...

what lies beneath

Friend:"how's the dating world?"
Me:"Was introduced to someone new. I'm falling for him."
Friend:"It's still a bit soon. How do you know he is the one."
Me:"We are still getting to know each other."
Friend:"Let me ask you this: what do look for the one".
Me:"Hmmmm...well, I like to be with someone were I can be myself. I am a strong woman but there are moments were I just want Tender, Loving and Care and who I'm with can appreciate the difference between sucking it up and knowing is not time to suck it up! I'm not high maintenance so I want a guy that is willing to let me be independent and doesn't expect me to be a housemaid. A guy that is willing to share the work. I would be happy if he just holds me and doesn't grope cause their are moments and places for that. I like a guy that worries about me, is funny, secure, not arrogant, not overconfident, that we can spend time together but also with family and friends. I want him to be able to know what are priorities, that shares his worries, concerns, anger and is just willing to trust me. That doesn't let his very bad past relationships block or affect his ability to give me what I deserve. I want a guy that I can just call to let him know I am thinking of him, that I love him and that I only have eyes for him. I can't stand jealousy one bit and I don't forgive infidelity. I like him to be thoughtful, honest but not a sharp knife that you know will pierce you deeply from time to time and that's just how it is. The truth hurts and I don't have a problem with it but If you throw the truth to that person, will they listen? I want someone that is not a coward, that defends not only what he believes but also his friends and family. I want someone that listens and is patient. I want him to let me take my time to explain myself and can put himself in my shoes as I can his. Do I want a gentleman? As long as he treats me with respect and values my worth, I will be happy. I like a guy that makes me smile, laugh and when we kiss, I just don't want to stop. I guy that I can't wait to see. That's attentative and looks out for me if need me. A guy that no matter what, knows I am his and he is mine....
Friend:"So...is he the one then?"
Me:I stood frozen and held my breath. The sweat in my forehead was cold and my heart skipped a beat. I remembered then and now and the only answer I could give was:"I though so. Now, I'm not so sure".

Run

I'm frozen in place when my fears take the best of me. I am a person that no matter the circumstances or ordeals...I suck it up! I pick myself up no matter the degree of unberable pain, I always pick myself up and keep living my life. Lately, after experincing happiness with a new person, those doubts and fear I have been sucking up don't leave me be to have peace of mind, soul and especially, my heart. Sleep don't come easy and neither does concentration with all the goals I want to accomplish but when it comes to matters of the heart, I am very selfless. My world feels upside down and its hard to make sense of everything. How can you mesh the good times wih the hard times??? When things don't start making sense and are getting confusing, what is there to do??? There are moments were I feel like I'm holding my breath and everything just freezes. What do I wanna do? Disappear. I want to go far were no one knows me and all those that did, won't hear from me again. Run would be the best option when you feel you can keep yourself in one piece. Fragile, that should be a sign in my forehead but I am to prideful for that. I don't tend to talk about my feelings, my faults and feel vulnerable. What I do is be there and try to be what the other person wants. If someone knows what it is to live a double life, I do! Trying to please everybody else and you always end up loosing. What do you loose? If you catch me, maybe I will tell you!

Why so many snap shots???

Sometimes, I just want to look at all the pictures I have taken...to look at all the pictures I have in my possesion. Some are out of focus, some seem meaningless, others are colorful, happy, inspiring, creative, artistic, thouthful, funny, crazy, goofy, mysterious, tiresome, challenging, to dark, to light, to obscured, to full of people or stuff or just to empty, to quickly taken or not taught through, to improvised, to modelly, obvious, abstract, to many words or no words at all. To me, all of them are a memory. Why do I want to remeber every nook and crany, every line, every place,and every face? How come it's so important to me to click that button and capture such a moment? As a human being, I think back on the past. Whether the picture will make me laugh, cry tears of joy or tears of sadness, whether it makes me question an action or a dismissal, whether it pains my heart, makes me want to deny, accept or regret a decission, I will know what was important. I will remember how, when, who, and most importantly, why? It is best to forget as long as I get to remember the happy, funny, lovely, and unbelivable moments...it's worth capturing such shots.