My present status

My heart flutters...my mind doesn't wonder...my breath is either steady or heavy....I am calm and at peace. I am happy. I am just....in a dream. His not real and though I can feel his touch, I can hear his voice, know how much he cares, look into his steady eyes and see more than I want to believe...I can laugh and be myself without holding back. I can stumble with my words and worry without a heaviness because he caries it against my better judgment. Against my better judgement? It's something that I have question myself. Once the magic disappears, will I be able to stand what is left? Will we both? When the world finds us out and drags us back to reality to face the harshness of every decision and the cruelty of life!??? What will we do? What if I decide to be selfish? What if I want something more? I am utterly afraid. I have been releasing myself and living. Living without wanting to concern myself of others opinion's. I have been forgetting myself in your arms that are warm, tender and soothing.  I shudder at the thought of being free. Sometimes I just want to wonder on my own but I will not be able to live with such a decision.  We resemble each other in so many ways...it's not normal! How can two parallel words intertwine when you least expect it or at all? You can see clearly things that for no reason, could be seen before. I tremble now. I have been nothing but honest. I want and desire two different things and I just want to run because, I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone in the process. I feel like something bad will happen and at the same time, I feel like all that is happening, is suppose to be happening.  His there now and I don't want him to leave. His what I need and I like it. He makes me happy, he listens and I can be myself. I don't have to pretend and he accepts my double life. He releases me from my struggles and cures me of my painful past and present. That is not a crime but Can he cure me from my future? Can he make promises that he can keep? So, what is it that I am questioning? I actually know the answer, I just can't stand how I haven't risen above it.....I just want to run....but where?....

My view of life

There she is again. A sweet, gentle, innocent little girl. She has such a beautiful and joyous smile that melts my heart. I approach her and ask her:"What you doing here all by yourself and with such a smile in your face?"
The little girl seemed to not have a care in the world and that is the answer she gives me.
Little girl:"I am happy and I have no worries, no fears, no doubts, no anger, no regrets, no sorrow...I have only joy and I want to grow up! I want to be like my mom. I miss her lots cause she works a lot so I spend a lot of time with my brother and sisters plus I like to use a lot my imagination."
I couldn't stop looking at the little girl and wishing I had her sense of freedom. She took my hand then and told me:"Go on ahead and look. Tell me what you see".
All I saw was a normal sidewalk. It was the world, the present and I thought time had stopped but it was going. People were walking as if its just another day to go by. As if it didn't matter who passed them by or why. As if life was a simply routine of each day. As I realized this, it dawned on me that the smile on the little girl's face disappeared and she became sad. She has my eyes, I realized.
As we walked, I began to think that life is not black and white. Life most of the time, it's gray. I learned that there is no prince charming. Instead, imperfection, disappointment, lies, malice, ignorance, jealousy, and hate. I learned that every person that past me by had a reason to be. They could be the reason I am alive at that very moment or I could save them. Any person I could meet or had met could've had a significance in my life without me knowing it.
She pulled then. I looked down on her and she said:"You are hurting me to much".  I couldn't understand her. Such a small thing that doesn't know about life but has a hurry to grow up. I told her:"I am sad. I am disappointed and confused. There are so many things I don't understand and at the same time, I noticed that I didn't expect any of this. I didn't know I would learn that life isn't always what we think or want it to be. Is not always fun and games. You can't always trust people with your happiness and heart. You can't always rush a decision or say what you think. You can't just walk by like in this sidewalk ignorant and superficial about what lies ahead and what past you by."
Little girl:"You are talking in riddles. Life is what you make it. It's what you want it to be no matter who likes it or not. Not everyone agrees with me because I'm not a grown up but I am little. I see more than others do. I know if I am lied to or if I am taken advantage of. I like to be generous and nice. I don't like mean people. I think they are bitter and no fun. I can't believe you said Prince Charming doesn't exist! He does you just haven't looked hard enough. You are just making bad friends and bad decisions. You have to be as smart as me and you will see. I get good grades cause I love to study. I like also going to church and laughing. I get teased a lot because I am just too good so I've heard but what's wrong with that?".
I couldn't help but smile at her but with a melancholy within me. She reminded me of...well...of me when I was little. I was just me. Nice, loving, respectful, trusthworthy...but yes, I was teased, stabbed in the back, lied to, taken advantage of...I changed and so did the world...my world.
Little girls:"Stop it! It was nice and pretty. Now is gray!"
Me:"Huh? I'm not doing anything".
Little girl:"Who are they?"
I followed her gaze and their they were. All four of them. It was really unexpected and a whiplash at the same time.
Little girl:"Ouch!".
Me:"What??? Are you ok?".
Little girl:"Do I look it?"
Me:"Sorry".
Little girl:"Talk about Prince Charming. This it?".
Me:"Hey...I didn't say anything out loud about Prince Charming".
Little girl:"Who is the first one?"
Me:"That was my high school sweetheart."
Little girl:"Everything is all fuzzy. You seemed extremely happy and hopeful and completely oblivious. Wow, you sure trusted no matter what".
Me:"I don't want to be reminded of the faults that were committed nor the pain I endured".
Little girl:"No kidding. Well? What about him? The other two seemed like you were blind".
Me:"I'm gonna start ignoring you".
Little girl:"Don't hate the player. Hate the game". She smiles at me with a devilish smile of a little girl teasing but being sincere at the same time. I sigh, take a deep breath and began:
"I fell for him because of his Tender, Loving and Care to be honest. He was different than anybody I've ever met and I could be myself with him. The problem was, we were young and he had faults that played against us. He didn't fight for me when he had to and everything just fell apart. I guess that unexpected twist of me thinking that all was alright, everything would work itself out, that the man that loves me would respect and fight for me and that we should sacrifice everything for love, tainted me ever since. I haven't been myself after that cause I thought it was a fairy tale but not all relationships have a fairy tale ending. The second one was the first guy I really felt anything similar than before. I guess I threw rationality and judicious out the window. I was far away from home and just went with the flow and not wanting to be who I was. He turned on a spark and I made unrational decisions because I wanted to be a grown woman in control of her life. Plus, I though he wasn't bullshitting me. At the end, I learned he was immature, arrogant, selfish and was not gonna keep his word. All he cared about was himself and his manhood.  From that relationship, I went from being a "small grasshopper" to immature woman.  I changed but not for the best because what came next could've ruined my life for good and it wasn't worth it.  At the end and again, I paid for the broken dishes.
Little girl:"The broken dishes?"  She looked around as if literally looking for broken dishes.
Me:"You know for a smart little girl, you can be very obtuse".
She just blinked and I just laughed for a moment but continued.
Me:"I always ended up being the bad one. I was always to blame and it seemed that all my efforts were in vain. I felt like a rag doll. You play with me, have fun with me and then, you dispose of me just because..."
Little girl:"Just because? Just because of what? Your pretty, smart, hardworking, loyal, loving, respectful, caring...I don't understand?"
Me:"Yes you do." It was all I could master.  Little by little, I was realizing it.  As she looked into my eyes, she could too.
Little girl:"Oh."  She felt it then and as much as we both wanted to scream and cry, she only asked:"What about that last one?"
Me:"I thought he was the one, the it but it ended up being a riddle and a complete distortion.  I sensed that was it but in wanting to prevent so much, everything came tumbling down." And then, all of a sudden....
Little girl:"Ouch! I'ts getting dark. I always see a mature young woman in the dark. She stares at me but I don't understand why. We are so different and that is her."
Me:"You seemed frightened of her." As I looked into her eyes, there was such resemblance between us all and I was also frightened. It became cold and there was a depth of....nothing and so much chaos at the same time. I was terribly frightened, worried and concerned for the both of us.
Her:"I have been waiting for the moment to strike for the truth needs to be told and accepted."
Little girl:"What truth?Your just mean, angry, resentful, hateful, vengeful, hurtful, and cold!"
Her:"Your just ignorant, immature and blind! Your the one blind but she is not!"
I couldn't stop staring as both of them bickered. There was such resemblance but their couldn't be because of how opposite of each other they were. We all were.
Me:"Your not welcome here."
Little girl:"See! Told you."
Her:"Fear is a weakness and you are not weak. You are not fragile and you must stop being compassionate and generous."
Me:"Then I will stop being and..."
Her:"...and I will be."
Little girl:"That won't happen."
Her:"Is what she wants. It's plainly written...there...it's such a heartfelt desire. Isn't it."
The anger was starting to boil.  I was displeased but at the same time, reluctant. Reluctant to deny...
Her:"You can't deny me. Accept me. Things would be a lot easier for you."
Little girl:"You can't make her life easier. Your nothing but a poison."
What a mixture of thoughts and feelings. It was hard to make sense of all of it. I felt like I was being pounded in my head, my heart and my soul yearning...yearning...
Her:"....for me. You can't deny me. What you want most, I can achieve it."
Her: Do you feel better?
Me:Your in my mind. Your everywhere now. The anger if feels overwhelming and soothing.
Her:I am giving you control and strength. It's fairly easy if you stop denying me. If you stop fighting me we can do so much together. Everyone that has hurt you would learn to fear you. Anyone who dares to disobey and manipulate you would be punished. Those who have crossed your path and tainted your soul would be erased. You could live a life as you see fit and make others doubt ever speaking one wrong word about you. You could hurt and pain all those that have wrong you. You can lust without doubt. You can sacrifice and decide without compassion nor regret. You can finally live this life without fear, take your hate and take vengeance if need be. You would be rootless and strong. Nothing nor no one to hold you back.
She was amazing. I desired her more than anything. She was reviving my spirit. She was giving me strength and any pain I felt was disappearing. I welcomed her with open arms and she was devouring me. I heard a faint voice cry but it was choked. It vanished. All thought and feeling vanished. I was hole and it felt satisfying and utterly....hmmmm....gratifying....yes!
to be continued......