It's always my fault. I never care enough. I never try enough or dedicate myself enough. I always let my mom get in the way. My shit doesn't matter and my responsibilities don't mount enough pressure. I'm always the one that manipulates, controls, naggs or doesn't nag enough. I don't communicate nor try to. I don't make sacrifices. I'm not organized even if I started a new chapter in my life and I am trying to cope w everything I have. And is as if life let's me stroll peacefully down the road and doesn't give me challenges most of the time as if my life were easy peasy! I apparently don't fight hard enough. I disappoint, I don't listen nor want too. I'm selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, I have to much on my plate. My pain, past experiences, past relationships don't match or matter compared to others, I'm fragile, I don't suck things up, I don't take care of myself or others, I don't have a temper, I don't understand, I don't follow orders, I'm not dominant, I wine cause I'm a cry baby, I'm not dependable, I'm untrustworthy, weak...I'm just a complete disappointment!!!
This is a total lie! What would u do if the person u fell in love with tell u:"Ur an awesome girl but ur just Idk." What kind of answer is that??? How can I not get mad, feel hurt, betrayed and misunderstand ur feelings and situation when that is the answer u give me. U don't even pick up the phone to call. U do it all via text when we were gonna talk face to face. To top it all off, what do u base it on:"U left me dressed w no where to go like three times and u've disappointed me. I can't handle if u disappoint me another time and I spoke w u clearly to let me know w time if ur gonna change plans on me, I'm used to this because i was w my ex 6 to 7 yrs and she played me. I told u I'm not like other guys. I need to know of u but u r busy and u don't care about me. U started to care bc I panicked u when u saw u could loose me. I've been feeling like this for a while and I thought it would change but I feel the same. My decision is final."
U know what hurts the most! How u threw all ur anger at me! Was it at me our u decided that I pay the broken plated of all that ur ex did to u??!! Am I really such a disappointment or is it that u are an inmature, inconsiderate, fill ur mouth of bs person??!!! I just wanted to be w u at the end of the day. Somethings that happened were out of my control and if u felt hurt because I wasn't able to see you two times, It wasn't because I didn't try or was being inconsiderate. I had showed u how hardworking, caring and how much I love a person. It's hard for me to express myself because I am prideful but when I say nothing, I say more than when I am saying something. I tried talking in various ways but everytime, all I got was ur anger, distaste and distrust. How can i handle that? Do I deserve that regardless all u've been through? What about what I have been through? Did u take it into account? Hell no!!! What was really the truth? The thruth was that u LIED 2 me! U said u are a straightforward person that says the thruth no matter what! That u don't fill ur mouth w bs! Oh, but I do, right?
U told me I could talk 2 u about anything and u wouldn't get mad. U told me to tell u when I am mad or something bothers me so u can correct it. I told u I was afraid to make a mistake no matter how small bc I felt like the world would fall into a million pieces for u bc of everything ur gf put u through in ur past relationship. When I would call u, I couldn't reach u and the little times I did, u only talked to me for like 5 mins. Everytime I would ask, ur answer would be:"all is ok, don't worry. I have a temper and I don't want to say the wrong things and ruin everything. Things need to be said little by little in due time" or my fav:"I don't want to talk". U told me u didn't talk to me on the phone cause u were mad. I write a letter to better our commincation, so u know how I felt about u, the situation, how to better it, what i understood, to later discuss it like grown ups and let the levels of anger die down but u blew it up on my face! U made me the bad guy out of what??? OUT OF WHAT???
Could u truly say u loved me??? Could u truly accept the fact all was my fault, that I didn't care, that I didn't listen, that i didn't fight? For someone that was 6 or 7 yrs w a girl that was unfaithful, didn't appreciate u, didn't value u, didn't worry about u, didn't accept u, she just wasn't what u deserve...u pay me w the same hand! U humiliated, disrespected, lied, used, and broke my heart and why? Bc truly, u weren't ready for me. U couldn't handle my feelings nor my responsibilities. I don't like being d. I feel like u let ur past affect ur present, I feel like u took the easy way out, I feel like u forgot what u promised me, I feel like u didn't value me, like u didn't respect, that u stepped over me and after u blamed everything on me, told me the time to talked passed, try to make me feel like shit, then u wanted to talk and face me. I went to taje a breather and live life which I hardly get to do ans then u get pissed and don't want to talk. What was up w that? Would it had made u feel better if I was cryibg helplessly and beggued u to make it work???! Is that what happenend w ur ex? U said that it was STUPID if a man made a woman feel like shit to get his own way. Guess what, Thats what U did and u don't c it and don't want to accept it!
I can't fight against the current when u only c ur side and u won't listen. Even if u don't listen, can't u realize how much i do care by looking at my eyes and remembering how I would kiss u. Everytime I would say:"I love u more and don't u forget it"! I would say it thay way bc I wanted u to know that no matter what, I had u on my mind, I worried about u and at the end of all my struggles and even if u felt that I was absent or busy bc apparently I had "nothing to do" from ur point of view or compared to u, u had my heart and I would do almost anything to show it to u and give u what u deserve. What did u do? U spat on my face! and then expect me to what? Screw that cause that is what u did even though u promised that that wasn't ur intentions.
I'm not perfect. I have my faults and their are moments when I feel I am crumbling. Sometimes I should be more upfront or straightforward with people but I'm not because when I get mad, what I do is hurt the ones I love bc I have a temper. But it's mostly because I am prideful and I if u hurt me, I feel like I should do the same. I restrain myself from doing such a thing bc its not my style nor who I am. I don't tend to show my feelings as much as I would like or should because I am afraid. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of being vulnerable and I start thinking that everything will fall apart bc I think everything is fine but then its not. I admit it that it can get the best of me but I try to not let that happen. I am unselfish when it comes to love. I am considerate because I am nice and generous. I like to laugh. It was hard for me to comfort the people I love in times of need bc its hard for me to find the words but when it comes down to it...I am there. I can be a shoulder to cry on. I listen although I learn by getting hit. I can be stubborn but I'm a little girl at heart. Im friendly, honest, faithful, loyal and trustworthy. I don't like letting people down and I do everything possible to not let that happen and to be there when it counts...I always like to be there. I'm not a hypocrite! I can't stand jealousy, manipulations, control so therefore, I don't try that on people. I can be demanding at times only if I am giving my all and more. I take to much on in my life which I shouldn't but that's how i live. It's hard at times but I suck it up and deal with the hits and responsibilities. Honestly, I do all possible to get were ai want to be and I just want to be happy with someone that will respect, understand, care, loves and is patient with me. I thought it was u but u made sure for me to clearly see so If u couldn't handle me at my worst, then as hell u deserve me at my best!
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