Torture

I just can't can't shut my eyes and rest. Sure, if I am very sleepy and tired, I might sleep 4 or 5 hrs but at 3am, my eyes open. I twist and turn. I tose and turn and no matter how much I try to denied it, I'm just thinking why? I've learned that why shouldn't be something to question cause you will hardly get an answer. Is better to ask how or when or better yet, how come? I have my way of handling things and my standarts. I like to do things with a certain flow to be able to balance everything in my life that I must say it's not easy. As I am lying restless in my bed,I ask myself:"how do I get tangled up, rung up and disturbed"? When u start following a routine and then that routine gets up on the wrong side of the bed or takes a bad turn...your just left wondering. I haven't felt so utterly clueless in my life. I just can't make sense of it. I want to know why your not there answering? Why you've changed? But, who am I fooling. I twist, toss and turn cause I know the answer...your disappointed in me. Are you really disappointed in me or your just reminded of the pain a low life human being cast upon you with such horrible mistakes because she didn't value you. Here is a tip:"I value you". You promised I didn't have to worry about her past mistakes being cast upon me cause you weren't going to press them on me...you don't remember telling me that do you? Do you put yourself in my shoes when I try to explain to you how I feel. I don't feel that anymore because when I want to explain myself, you only see your point of view and my mistake cause of lack of communication. I want to talk but you tell me:"all in time" but if I get mad you want me to tell you right then and there. If your the one that's mad, depending on what it is, your comprehensive if not hurtful but I suck it up. You don't tell me if your mad, I have to make the first step. All because of one unintentional mistake, you've changed. Is not that you don't care but where are you? Are you gonna put me aside when you leave? How can I know that no matter what I can talk to you? How can I feel you are being tentative and you will express what is necessary to make things work? How badly am I sacrificing my heart when you can see how much you mean to me? Everyone sees it and it makes me angry I have open that door of such...torture? It's only torture when I don't get what's going on in your head and all I can get is mild receptiveness on your part. What a wall to break down on top of everything else we have going in our lives. Can't you see that my degree of pain can be leveled to yours? I did have it easy once and it all came tumbling down. We all become an ugly duckling in some time of our lives. We have to take major responsibilities and endure major headaches, heartaches, beatings, regrets and more. While the sun rises, the hours pass, I sit here wondering how you are? Will I hear from you? Do you care? Right now I know that time can be a powerful ally and a great torturer...